It’s been a decade and a half since the release of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. In that span, we’ve watched the film a dozen or more times — and every single viewing is funnier than the last. Andy (Steve Carell) is the underdog we didn’t know we needed, but it’s his friends we really want to hang with: Cal (Seth Rogen), Jay (Romany Malco), David (Paul Rudd), even Mooj (Gerry Bednob). They’re a ragtag group of bros somehow so likable that you can’t help but wish they were your friends, heaping the same level of shit on you as they do on Andy throughout the movie. It’s part of the reason that, all these years later, none of us can stop dropping 40-Year-Old Virgin quotes in casual conversation. Hey, we’ve gotta have something other than dad jokes in our arsenal.
Another reason the movie kills? The women that make up the other half of the casting for 40-Year-Old Virgin are equally hilarious. The film pulled in some true talent with Catherine Keener, Elizabeth Banks, Jane Lynch, Kat Dennings, Mindy Kaling, and Leslie Mann. It’s a powerhouse cast, and we didn’t even list all the quick cameos by some of our other favorite actors. Then you add in the subject matter: A clueless 40-year-old man trying to get laid and being “assisted” by his idiot “friends.” How can you not spend the next two-ish hours laughing your ass off? We certainly can’t. We’re dying, from the scene where Andy shares that he rides a bike to the iconic waxing moment (included here) to every interaction he has with a woman.
So, you know, we took on the painstaking task of pulling the best quotes for your reading — and laughing — pleasure. Read ’em at work, if you dare.
Andy’s Best 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes
- Andy: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because it’s more than four hours and your ad said to call if it’s been more than four hours.”
Operator: “How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?”
Andy: “I haven’t taken any, but your ad said that if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours, you call.” - “You know, when you, like, you grab a woman’s breast and it’s… and you feel it and… it feels like a bag of sand when you’re touching it.”
- “I may not have had sex, but I can fuck you up.”
- “That tasted like shellfish.”
- “It’s a Mentos. They’re the fresh-maker.”
- “I hope you got a big trunk ’cause I’m putting my bike in it.”
- Beth: “We could do it in the butt if you want to.”
Andy: “But, if I want to what?” - “You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”
- Andy: “Hold my hand.”
Cal: “What?! No.”
Andy: “Hold my god damn hand, man!” - “Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?”
Best Quotes From Cal
- “I don’t wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment.”
- “That’s a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance. No… if Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.”
- “Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? “Look! He’s got a billion toys!”
- “OK, we just take everything that’s embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn’t look like you live in Neverland Ranch.”
- “You should totally tell her, man. ‘Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was “Don’t lie.” And that was a smart movie.”
- Andy: [referring to his shirt] “Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?”
Cal: “No. What’s Curious George like in real life?” - “There are three rules when it comes to talking to women. Number one: Ask questions, don’t say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you’re just gonna let them do that. Two: Be cool. And, three, be kind of a dick. Look. Be like David Caruso in Jade.”
- David: “Did you just flick me in the nuts?”
Cal: “No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.” - “You know what’s a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PMs and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that’s the best part about the game.”
- “Screw these analogies, OK? What he’s saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don’t wanna have sex with someone you like, ’cause they’ll think you’re a weirdo for being so lame at it.”
- “When I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.”
40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes From Jay
- “Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who’s falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.”
- “OK, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?”
- [Using a dildo as a phone] “Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.”
- “All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows how to tackle a gazelle? It’s written, it’s code written in their DNA that says, ‘Tackle the gazelle.'”
Quotes From Other Great 40-Year-Old Virgin Characters
- “You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren’t two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can’t-can’t describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.” — David
- “I’m very discreet. But, I’ll haunt your dreams.” — Paula
- “What is this, your roofie? Your date drug?” — Trish (It’s a Mentos. They’re the fresh-maker.)
- “Of course it’s horrible. It’s suffering… and it’s pain and it’s …you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email… but that’s just love.” — David
Plus, This Entire Waxing Scene