We all know that as parents, WE’RE supposed to be the ones in control. We may have even had the audacity to pass judgment on parents whose kids we witnessed having meltdowns BEFORE we were parents ourselves. IMAGINE. Once we have children of our own, we quickly realize that, occasionally, the little bundle of joy whom you love more than life itself is going to explode like a weapon of mass destruction.
This isn’t saying our kids are bad or that we’re inadequate parents, but being able to navigate the delicate mine fields that are our kids’ moods paired with outside forces you know, and forces you don’t, is virtually impossible. And like it or not, we can all say that we’ve been in the unfortunate position of standing over that stick of dynamite watching the seconds tick back from 10 to 0.
Here are just five of the weird reasons children explode and ruin everything:
“You Got Him Something And Not Me!?” – GOD FORBID your son behaves for 18 minutes at the grocery store and you reward him with a $2 Hot Wheels car. Your daughter will pull out an Excel spreadsheet and a Powerpoint presentation with a full account of every item you’ve purchased for him AND NOT HER in the past 7 years. Always be prepared with a detailed list of the times SHE got something and her brother didn’t. Maybe keep your receipts on hand just in case.
“I Said I Wanted Waffles Not Cereal!” – If your child has never done this, I’d love for you to come to my house so I can shake your hand because my kids pull this one on me regularly. I ask what they want for breakfast and when I bring them what they request, they insist that they asked for something else, as if I suddenly passed through a wormhole into another beakfast dimension where they don’t eat the same exact damn thing EVERY MORNING! In this case, you say, “Eat it or starve” and the situation seems to resolve itself.
“I Hate That Article Of Clothing That I Demanded You Buy For Me At The Kohl’s Checkout!” – Oh, you had your shit together and went out ahead of time to buy your daughter a new dress for her winter concert at school? WELL GUESS WHAT, when it’s time for her to put that dress on 8 minutes before you have to leave for said concert, NOT ONLY will she insist that it fits like OJ’s glove, she’ll also reveal that SHE HATES IT AND NO, SHE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO BEGGED FOR YOU TO BUY IT FOR HER. THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S KID. Oh, and also, she never gets anything she wants either, so great job, Parent.
Socks and The Bus Stop – a memoir by Katey Johnson – Before I had kids, I thought socks were a civil invention by kind-hearted innovators who aimed to keep the toes of every man, woman and child warm. BUT OH NO, NO, that’s NOT the case at my house. Socks are the equivalent of little cotton piranhas in my house, especially when we have to be at the bus stop in 3 and a half minutes. My son screams like a howler monkey when it’s time to put his socks on and I usually pull up to the bus stop on two wheels like Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee.
Bedtime? Never Heard Of It. – Ah, that blessed time of day when your cherubs return to their beds and succumb peacefully to slumber. YEA RIGHT. NOT IN THIS FRIGGIN’ LIFETIME. When I tell my kids it’s time for bed they act like I’m speaking Swahili and even when I translate my English to a louder version of English, they’re still unable to process the concept as if they’ve never gone to bed a night in their lives. Like you’ve been raising them in an Acid House Rave circa 1993. No one goes to bed until you can produce every piece of published documentation on the internet and in the public library that says children need more than 3 hours of sleep in order to keep people from calling CPS on you.
Whether it’s a toddler or a tween, we’ve all been there. Our kids can have us sweating bombs like Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker in a moments notice. Experience is key, but the next best offense is to be prepared and stay alert so that we can combat every potential detonation they come at us with. May the odds be ever in our favor.