Losing a child is just about the worst thing that can happen to someone. The grief and pain are so unimaginable, it must be impossible to see a way out of it. But time moves on, and you keep living your life, and eventually, hopefully, you find a way to come to terms with tragedy.
It took one dad a long time to find his way, and when he did, he wanted to talk about it. So he took to Twitter to share his heartbreaking story.
Michael Cruz Kayne is a Brooklyn-based comedian, actor, and writer who has appeared on and/or contributed to a variety of TV shows and sketch groups. You probably even recognize him from several sketches featured on The Dad like this one where a Dad ends up in Fight Club. More recently he landed a writing gig for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
Around this time last year, he took to Twitter to discuss the passing of his son, and the strange experience of living with the grief. He knew the social media platform is an unconventional place to share such a story, but he plows ahead anyway.
this isn’t really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it’s taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time.
this is about grief
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
He expresses some hard truths about how we process and respond to grief.
most of the conversations we have about grieving are very very weird. tragedy is still so taboo, even in the era of the overshare. it’s all very *sorry for your loss* and tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering. we’re all on tiptoes all the time.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
but grief is not one thing, it is a galaxy of emotions, most of which are put in orbit by the loss of someone you loved, and the harrowing (or not) circumstances surrounding that loss. but we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
Grief isn’t only sadness, it’s also anger.
but there is more! some things make me angry: when the hospital prepared us for his death, one of the doctors kept saying “your daughter” repeatedly until I said through gritted teeth “he is a boy”.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
And confusion, and even, sometimes, laughter.
some things make me confused: we cremated our son. how the fuck does that work? like, what are steps one through ten of that process?
some things make me laugh: the funeral home handed us a receipt after our son’s funeral that said “thank you come again” at the bottom.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
At times his story is overwhelming in how straightforward he is about his feelings.
our dead son has a twin, who is very much alive. and he’s really just great. and that’s crazy too, because the better he is, the more i’m like ahhhhh shit I wish his brother were alive.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
and they both have a sister, who asked us to put an extra candle in her brother’s birthday cake, and who led us in writing a story about her dead brother tonight
(and yeah we talk about our dead son with our living kids all the time because idk that’s what we decided to do?)
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
He explains that, until now, most of these thoughts were kept to himself, or shared with his family.
anyway.
all of those thoughts, up until recently, have basically been kept to conversations with my (amazing) wife and (fine) family (jk also amazing). and now I want to share them. and I bet you have a friend with a sad story also wants to share the not sad parts.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
Remarkably, after they lost their son, his wife dedicated herself to taking care of sick children.
my dead son has a legacy already, in my wife, who became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of him. can you believe it? being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
He wants to help others understand that sometimes those grieving don’t always want to ignore their sadness, but want to speak about it.
and maybe now, a decade later, i’m ready to contribute a tiny bit to his legacy also, with a plea:
*ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about*
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
grief is isolating, but not just because of the sadness. also because the sadness is the only part about it that anyone knows.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
not a single person has ever been unkind about my son, but almost no one considers the fullness of his loss and how complicated and weird and everything else it was and continues to be.
having just recently started talking to other grievers, I know many of them feel the same.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
ask your friend about the sad thing that you never talk about, and be open to the depth of that experience.
one day, and I mean this without grimness or condescension, everyone you know will be dead. it will help us if we talk about it. or anyway it is helping me.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
He closes his affecting thread with two things: a reminder that no one is alone in their grief.
if you are grieving, you are not alone.
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
And a tribute to his late son.
fisher daniel kayne forever and ever pic.twitter.com/UVvOiwPZrb
— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019
The response to his story was well-received with the thread garnering over 222,000 “likes” and more than 38,000 retweets along with a heartfelt discussion from those who can relate to his story.
Clearly, he’s not alone at all.