Relationships are hard. Marriage? Even harder. Anyone who says marriage is easy is lying. Don’t get us wrong: Marriage has its perks. You don’t have to try so hard in bed all the time to impress a permanent partner. You have someone to remind you that it’s time to put out the trash. And, perhaps most importantly, it’s easier to play good cop, bad cop with kids when you can divide and conquer. Still, at the end of the day, a relationship consists of two people with different childhoods, preferences, and traumas coming together and building a life. It’s compromising. And debating. And conceding. It’s also a lot of fun if you can inject some humor in your day-to-day.
One way that Buddhists describe love is, “wanting always for the other person to be happy.” When your loved one is happy and you’re the reason, it can feel exhilarating. And what’s a better way to stay happy than to laugh together at some good old relationship humor?
Do all of these jokes fit every relationship? Nah, some are chuckle-worthy relics from a generation (or two) before our time. But, we’re positive you’ll find plenty to relate to and laugh about.
1. My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids.
If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.
2. How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
3. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
4. I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.
5. My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.
6. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
7. “I love you,” she said.
“Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?”
“It’s me talking to the wine.”
8. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they always have to repeat themselves.
9. My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.
He said, “I just used a modem.”
10. What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
11. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.
12. I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.
13. Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.
14. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.
So far, we’ve been up for three days.
15. When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
16. Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life.
They know you don’t have one.
17. I play the world’s most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
18. I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said, “Your sense of humor.”
19. My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.
20. How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
She’s bungee jumping for joy.
21. Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet.
Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”
22. Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
23. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
24. Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
25. My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.
26. I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.
27. Marriage is when a man and woman become one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
28. A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
29. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
30. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. The trouble is they’re usually married to each other.
31. My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
32. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
33. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
34. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
35. Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: Why not?
Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.
