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What I tell my kids: "Clean up, girls! Dinnertime!" What my kids hear: "Stop and play with every toy you own" "Sing every song you know multiple times" "start reading that really long book you never touch" "just stand there" "go ahead and spill that cup of milk that's been missing for a week." Comic, meal, relatable
3.15

I spend my days waiting for my next meal and I don't know when that changed

Nobody ever tells you how much of parenting is just standing in a parking lot waiting for your kid to get out of the car. Meme, bored, patience
3.15

Roughly the same amount of time it takes to get me out of the bathroom so I get it

Me: what's wrong? Wife: you're not supposed to say you have a favorite child. Me: everyone does secretly. Wife: well it should at least be one of ours. Tweet, parenting, funny
3.15

Have you met our kids

Pretend to be asleep OR Start your day at 5:45am. Meme, parenting, bedtime
3.15

Even if you try option A, it's almost always going to be option B.

The Dad LIVE - BREAKING: "Everything you own that has value." Kids: "We don't acre about your personal property." Satire, phone, technology
3.15

At this point it feels intentional

Your service tech will be there sometime between 10:00 am and whenever the fuck he wants. Tweet, technology, help
3.15

Great so I'll just clear my next week or so, thanks

It's kinda hot outside but I like a little breeze so I opened the windows and turned the AC down to 60. Text message: (from the dad illuminati) STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. Meme, satire, weather
3.15

You know what you did.

Michael Jackson (shake hands) Mario as the bank teller = "I'm gonna make a change." Tweet, music, video game
3.15

MAKE A CHANGE get it

My son looks like a middle-aged Scandinavian tourist. Tweet, toddler, funny
3.15

Take him to IKEA and just see what happens

Waiting for my kids to pick out the perfect pumpkin. (Turns to skeleton). Meme, fall, Halloween
3.15

"5 more minutes!"

My son is mad at me and to get back at me he's walking very VERY slowly around the house. It's devastating. Tweet, kids, funny
3.15

How will I ever recover from this

Figured out how to get my kids to stop messing with the thermostat. Funny, prank, meme
3.15

The last place they'll ever check